MLB violation, Why not P.E.D Test our players

Doug Wagner, morning man at 600 WMT is a huge Pittsburgh Pirates fan and the biggest Starling Marte groupie. He's an outfielder for the Pirates who has just been suspended for 80 games, 1/2 the season for testing positive for Performance enhancing Drugs PEDs. We, ok I thought it might be interesting to see what would happen if we secretly tested some of our players, using that term very loosely. The only thing we play well at is cards or bingo. Don't ask how we collected it.  Surprising results. Mr. Wagner tested positive for not 1, but 2 PED's which is really strange as there has been no increase in HR's.   Andy Petersen tested Negative for everything, even a girlfriend. Justin Roberts, host of WMT Drive Time 380 had high levels of HcG..explain that. And someone must have tainted my sample, I haven't called a doctor in months and my wife wouldn't be complaining so much.  This narrative, of course, is strictly for your entertainment pleasure. Yikes. Doug, you need to drink more water.